3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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