Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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