What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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