He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
