just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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