We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Farmville is her only friend.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
