Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm experimenting with sincerity
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
