guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
