tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
