Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
