My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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