My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
