You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
