I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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