Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
