1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
