I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize