Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
