sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
