My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
