My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
