I have demons in me.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
