I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
