I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
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