I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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