i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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