chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
