I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
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