Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
