Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
