i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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