Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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