Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
