I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Randomize
