i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
organizing the empties. That sober.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
