I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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