you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
