i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Someone came in the potted fern
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
