you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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