Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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