omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize