I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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