i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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