"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
