My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
