His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
