glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
He passed out mid-signature
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize