It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
