I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
