i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
