I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
